7 Signs of RAD Mom Burnout

If you’re a parent raising a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), I know you’re tired. But is it more than just tired? Do you ever wonder if you’re burning out? Or are you already there? 

Even if you’re not sure and you only think you might be burning out. Pay attention. You need to do something about it. Because once you cross the line, it’s difficult to get back. This level of stress and exhaustion can lead to other things like PTSD and depression.

I thought I knew burnout. Job burnout. But I didn’t know RAD mom burnout. That is next level. 

My job burnout contributed to my cancer diagnosis when I was 37 years old. It wasn’t the only thing that caused my cancer, but it was definitely one of the sparks that helped light that fire. I was overworked and beyond stressed. Chronically stressed. I saw the signs but I just kept pushing through. I’d get tired but when I saw the edge, I could pull myself back. Until I couldn’t. 

Then, I entered another one of the darkest periods of my life. As if cancer wasn’t dark enough. In 2013, my husband and I adopted two children with RAD. Two.

I was always a happy, optimistic, easy-going person. I enjoyed life. 

But years of RAD parenting took me back to the edge and this time, I was falling off. I knew that if I didn’t get myself back up, I wasn’t going to make it. It was a gut feeling. But I knew. Would it be cancer again? Or a different illness? Heart attack? I could literally feel myself dying from within.

I could function but barely.

My motivation had dwindled.

Other than my husband, I don’t think most people around me realized what was happening or how bad it was. I don’t even think I did.

I tried harder. I pushed and pushed myself.

I felt crazy.

I judged myself and felt judged.

I was a high-strung, angry, sad, and tired mom.

In caring for our two children with RAD, I had not adequately cared for myself. My mind, body, heart, or spirit. None of it. My husband and I had not adequately cared for our marriage. 

RAD life makes caring for yourself feel impossible. And at times, it is. There isn’t adequate support for our children or ourselves. At least, not for most of us. And we feel like we have to do everything ourselves. But pushing yourself beyond your limits and not taking care of yourself is not the answer.

The good news is that if you spot these signs early, you can take action and begin to find ways to take care of yourself. 

Listen to your body. It’s talking to you. 

Luckily, and before it was too late, I listened to that voice in my head. The one that kept telling me, “you’re dying” and “you’re going to get sick”. With the help of my husband, family, close friends, and a lot of therapy, I slowly began to figure out how to take better care of myself. And I started doing it.

Start small.

Here are 7 things I personally experienced as I burned out as a RAD mom. I hope they help you recognize burnout and do something about it sooner than I did.

1. You feel overloaded and overwhelmed

Everybody feels overloaded and overwhelmed from time to time, but burnout moves you into a place of sustained overload and overwhelm. It’s constant. I felt like I never got a break.

I was trying harder, frantically in search of success for my children. I continuously pushed past my limits.

I was neglecting my health and personal life in pursuit of anything that was going to help my kids and make RAD “go away”.

I coped by complaining and trying even harder.

2. Little things irritate you

One early sign I was heading for burnout was that little things started to set me off. I was always on edge and easily irritated.

Something (like the TV being too loud) might be a 3 out of 10 on the problem scale, but I’d react like it was an 11. It didn’t take much to make me angry.

I also became a “yeller”.

3. Everything feels draining 

When I burned out, I felt exhausted.

I was a zombie. 

Getting out of bed was draining. Talking to people was draining. Work was draining. 

I started withdrawing, it was easier. It didn’t take any energy.

4. You Can’t Think Straight

When you’re burning out, your heart and your head seem to disconnect; you lose the ability to think straight.

I was chronically stressed. I had so many things I was trying to juggle and keep straight. 

I was forgetting things. I had a hard time planning. I couldn’t keep my thoughts together. 

I lost my sense of what was “normal” and what wasn’t normal. My brain felt like a salad that kept getting tossed at random. I thought I was developing early-onset dementia.

5. You feel helpless

I’m usually a type A, do-it-yourself, very capable, and productive person (some would say highly productive). But trying to find or access the support I needed for my kids felt futile. 

I was unable to keep up with the demands I placed on myself but I kept going.

If you’re putting in long hours looking for answers but producing little of value, you might be burning out.

6. You don’t laugh anymore

This may seem like a small thing but it’s a big thing.

If you’re burning out, you don’t laugh a lot. I remember in my recovery laughing out loud one day at something someone said. It was then that it hit me: it had been months since I had laughed out loud.

When you’re burning out, nothing seems fun or funny, and, at its worst, you begin to resent people, like other moms, who are happy. 

And like many of these symptoms, it could also be a sign of something more serious like depression.

7. You don’t take time for yourself

RAD moms are infamous for not taking time for themselves. I know I was.

As a RAD mom, you’re so busy managing your child’s behaviors, looking for answers and support, and barely getting by. You probably can’t even imagine leaving your child or children with anyone. Or maybe you can’t even find someone who will.

You have a million excuses for not taking time for yourself and they’re all valid. 

If you’re burning out, sleep and time away for yourself seem impossible. 

Not finding or making time for yourself is a major warning sign that you’re burning out.

So Are You Burned Out?

Burnout is an insidious condition. It happens slowly, over a long period of time. But the consequences can be life-altering, which is why it's important to spot the signs early.

If you think you’re burning out, I encourage you to seek immediate professional help.  It may be burnout or it may be something more serious like depression or PTSD. I would also encourage you to talk to a close circle of friends or join a support group.

It’s time to take an honest look at the pace you're currently living and make a change.