How to Explain Why It’s Not Just a Kid Thing - My Groundhog Day Analogy
It’s not just a kid thing! When my kids misbehave, like sneaking out of their room to get candy from the cupboard, it requires RAD parenting. Meaning, I need to have strict boundaries and expectations in place and follow through with a consequence every time. Sure, it may seem like no big deal, but it is. I have to be consistent no matter how big or small the behavior or incident is. With RAD parenting, consistency isn’t just an option, it’s key. We don’t have the luxury of letting our guards down. Our kids need to feel safe, learn to trust us, and let go of feeling like they need to be in control of everything and everyone, at all times. Our kids start to feel safe and learn to trust us and others through consistency. If we loosen up or let our guard down and our actions aren’t the same every time, our kids perceive that as scary. We can’t be trusted. We’ve failed to create that sense of safety and trust for our kids.
This is very different from non-RAD parenting. As RAD parents, we know that. But other parents and people in our lives don’t. Other people and parents raising neurotypical children see these behaviors and incidents as being no big deal. And they perceive our actions as unnecessarily harsh. I know this because along with critical and shocked stares aimed in my direction, I almost always hear, “oh that’s normal, it’s a just a kid thing” or “all boys/girls do that at this age”. Which translates into, “you’re over-reacting”, “you’re too strict”, “just relax”. Trust me, I wish I could.
And what’s even more frustrating, is that I’ve never been able to explain to people why it isn’t just a kid thing. And because of that, I’ve felt defenseless against the stares and judgement. I get it. It’s confusing. Because they’re partly right. A lot of the behaviors my kids demonstrate are just a kid thing. For example, I don’t have RAD and I used to sneak candy from the kitchen cupboard when I had friends sleeping over. So how is this any different?
Let me tell you! Here’s why it’s not just a kid thing and what I tell people now. It’s like the movie “Groundhog Day”. Our kids repeat the same behavior over and over while neurotypical kids don’t. Let’s go back to the candy scenario. Children with or without RAD are both likely to try and sneak candy from the cupboard. That’s just a kid thing. The difference is, once most neurotypical kids get caught, maybe even more than once, they stop sneaking the candy. This is because neurotypical kids have created an attachment to their parents. And because there is a healthy attachment, neurotypical kids don’t want to disappoint their parents. They have the capacity and desire to respect them. They have empathy and the ability to understand that their actions are not appropriate. As a result, they change their behavior and stop sneaking the candy or do it less. This is also a kid thing. Once my mom yelled at me a few times, I stopped too.
However, children with RAD who haven’t formed an attachment with their parents or caregivers will keep sneaking the candy despite being asked not to. They will continue to sneak the candy day after day, relentlessly. Even after being asked by their parents to stop. Even though they know they’re not supposed to sneak the candy. No matter how many times you ask them not to, most kids with RAD will wake up the very next day and repeat the same behavior again and again, over and over. And not just a few times. For years. Just like Groundhog Day. Children with RAD are less likely or resistant to changing their behavior. And that’s why it’s not just a kid thing.
And remember, that’s only one behavior! Our kids with RAD exhibit many significant and intense behaviors, not just one. And it’s Groundhog Day with all of them.
An outsider might be seeing the behavior and our response to it for the first time, but I can guarantee you it isn’t the first time the child has exhibited the behavior. It’s most likely been months or even years. It’s exhausting. Our kids are constantly testing us and hoping we’ll slip up so they can prove we’re not in control and they’re not safe. As RAD parents, we have to honor every action with a consequence. We’re not doing it because we’re militant parents or want to be hard on our kids. We’re doing because that’s what our kids with RAD need to heal. That’s what they need us to do to know that they are loved and safe.
